The Struggle

The past 8 months have been spent taking care of my son who was diagnosed with Acute Lyphoblastic Leukemia when he was just 7 weeks old. I've never shared these poems before, but now that he is gone I want to. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I was prepared to fight for years. The cancer was just too difficult to treat. He was so brave and beautiful. I miss him.


Long, Long Ago…

Yesterday – I stood on the sun
I’d be no one – without you

Climb high – to the moon
Leave all the fools – behind you

Long, long ago – before the dinosaur
Before the earth was born – There was you

A million miles away – In a strange galaxy
There’s a brilliant star – A brilliant star – That is you

Tomorrow – I’ll melt in the sun
I will be the one – for you

I’ll paint for you – white mountaintops
Just like you – wanted me to

Journey to a place – center of the earth
Where God gave birth – to your soul

Listen to the sound – reflecting your soul
A panoramic view – surrounding you

Don’t worry ‘bout – The future son
I’ll protect you from – The storm
I’ll carry you up – To the highest point
And wait for the skies to break

We’ll illuminate – the atmosphere
And turn gray skies – to blue
Making all fear – just disappear
Washing to shore – far from here



Untitled

Just lying there with puffy skin
Just lying still, no reaction
Sitting here in a glass room
On display for all to view
Listening for signs of trouble
Praying nothing happens
Every day goes by without answers, no solutions
To the problem God handed to him before he could cry
He can barely open his eyes
When he does there’s pain inside
I’m useless, helpless
fighting without fists
I’ve got nothing to save him
I’m rowing without oars
All I can do is stand by his side
All I can do is hold him at night
If I could only see what the future will bring
Then I might awake from this terrible dream


Untitled

There’s a little door inside my head
that I closed to lock away all feeling to hide away all pain
There’s a windowpane that I painted shut
to keep away the demons to protect me from the cold rain
I can’t find where I put that thing
I can’t remember it’s simple name
I don’t recall what I was doing
or what I was thinking just yesterday
One week ago is gone forever
one week from now are no memories
Two weeks ago I won’t remember
unless I find the thing I locked away
Tomorrow will be different
in fact it always is
a rollercoaster that makes me sick
A week from now I won’t remember
what I was thinking right now
today


Untitled

How did this happen – I didn’t see it coming
The world keeps turning, but time is frozen
The days fly by and they’re all the same
Waiting for life to start up again
I’ll call you back when I get the chance
Right now I’m waiting for time to pass


Untitled

I’m stuck inside – I can’t get out
I’m stuck inside – Far underground
In a prison without walls
Stuck inside fluorescent halls
Miles away from the outside
I can see the trees, but they’re hard to find
I cannot breathe inside these walls
The air is thin – Suffocation halls


Untitled

Walking on a sidewalk stepping on the cracks
Forget superstition it keeps holding you back
Talking of triumphs – forgetting to knock on wood
Keep pushing forward never look back
Everybody must celebrate the good times
And not let the bad ones cloud the fact
That life is short, so breathe and enjoy
Don’t hold back – Don’t forget to laugh


Untitled

Little boy suckin’ on a straw
surrounded by God’s computers
held together by tubes and men
Their pumpin’ life’s solution in your veins
I was prayin’ for the first time I could remember
Wondering why all the words had left my head
It all escaped me but now comes back with regret
You’re stronger than I remember
You’re better than you said
He’s given you a solution to everything you missed
Little boy suckin’ on a straw
You’re stronger than I am
You’re sending me a message
To rise up and be a man
Letting your people stand upon me
To climb up and see your plan


What Happened

What happened to the quiet nights
What happened to the bright lights
What happened to the daytime
What happened to the fine wine

What happened to the lazy days
What happened to the warm rays
What happened to the sunshine
What happened to my old life

What happened to my boat’s oars
What happened to the ocean shore
What happened to the my homeland
What happened to my future plans

What happened to my happy home
What happened to make me alone
What happened to my little boy
What happened to all my joy

How did it happen – This strange thing
Came aboard and captured me
Stole my son and my family
Took me hostage and tortured me


Untitled

It’s all unreal – Everything I feel
Buried inside – Everything’s alright
Lost in a maze – Confused and dazed
Walkin’ a line – Stuck in time
Strugglin’ for life – Cut by a knife
Drifting away until night turns to day
and all my sorrow is taken from me

To my son Willem

Willem,
I just want to thank you for all that you gave to me while you were here with us. You branded my soul with your smile, strength, and eyes. We are forever connected. You understood me and took care of me just like I did you. I just wish I could have seen you grow up. In 8 months time the impact you had on me was greater than anyone before. Now part of me has gone to heaven with you. I miss you so much that I can't swallow at times when I think of what you meant to me. I love you and I promise to pass on to others the gift you gave me.

Love,
Daddy

Directionless

Normally I have an opinion about everything, but lately my brain is unable to formulate a profound, comical, or sarcastic comment on any aspect of life. See, my second son Willem died on October 4th, losing his battle with Leukemia. He was eight and half months old. My life has been changed, more like reborn or contorted to a point of total confusion. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go from here. I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful, loving wife and another son to help get through this tragedy, but I'm left feeling empty. There is a pit in my stomach that is rotting away, rotting away my soul. At times I feel nothing, numb to everything, not caring for anything. At times I don't know if I can feel. Then the feeling comes back like a runaway train and I have no idea how to apply the brakes. I start aching inside. I long for just a glimpse of Willem and a brief touch of his wonderful little hands. This just simply sucks! You can read book after book or take advice from others, but it doesn't help, it never will. I just have to face the fact that I'm never going to see, hold, play, or kiss him again.

Untitled

People seem to hear but not actually see
I can’t stand the way
T.V. personalities preach philanthropy
To provide for the less fortunate
Insincerity is spelled out on their face
It really gets on my nerves
When someone thinks they’re more important
Than a man in a broken down heap
Because they where a suit and drive a Lexus
I can’t handle the violence
Laid out in front of me everyday
Displaying children in some sort of frame
Like they wanted it that way
Like they were relishing the day
A roadside coward killed their family
Or when they found something to eat
Ingesting their meal for the world to see
The politicians all sound the same
Just different faces on different bodies
People’s beliefs just get in the way
Causing pain, strife and insecurity
Just be nice – Think twice
And do onto others,
As you would have them
Do onto you
Hear me?
Well do
You?