Two thousand and seven began with the birth of my second son, Willem David Bolan. On January nineteenth, Willem was born. Life seemed to be on track, a great job, a wonderful wife, two boys I adored, a comfortable house in a nice neighborhood, but there was something wrong – Willem was always crying and upset, he hardly ate, he hardly slept, and then he developed what seemed to be a minor cold, with sinus congestion. After numerous trips to the doctor we were frustrated, as he didn’t seem to be getting better. The doctors didn’t have any good answers besides the cold thing. We were at our wit’s end. Finally, after noticing some odd bruising on his side and back, we got an answer, but this answer we didn’t want to hear – “Willem has Leukemia” the doctor said. Our world immediately turned upside down as we were slapped in the face by this harsh reality.
Our train had fallen of the tracks. Never to be fixed. Never to be placed back on the rails. Never to return from where it came. Life had immediately changed – we were given a pill that was impossible to swallow. Life was now unbearable. How were we going to get through this?
Willem was just seven weeks old when first diagnosed. I had hardly gotten to know him or form that fatherly bond with him, but I would soon develop a bond with Willem that would reach to the end of the universe, to the end of time.
The first few weeks in the hospital were a nightmare, he was extremely sick and we battled to keep him alive and we did it. The treatment Willem went through over the next few months was excruciating to watch and for him to endure. Willem was getting stronger and we were getting through everyday, learning how to take care of him. We did things as parents, which no parent should ever have to do to their child, but we gave him his shots, put the feed tube down his nose, and suctioned the secretions from the back of his mouth without a second thought – it had to be done in order for him to survive.
We had been in and out of the hospital since the end of June, Willem was in remission and by the end of August a bone marrow transplant was planned. Everything seemed to be working in our favor, my other son Kiernan was a one hundred percent match and Willem was getting stronger. We thought we were beating the disease, but it proved to be much stronger than the treatments Willem endured. The official diagnosis was Infant Leukemia, specifically pre-B cell ALL with the MLL gene mutation. This is an extremely difficult form of ALL to cure, with less than a twenty percent survival rate. Our beloved Willem didn’t make it. We were home just about a week, after a one-month stay in the transplant unit. His counts were back up and minor morphine withdrawal was our only concern. Maybe we could get the train back on the tracks after all? That wasn’t the case, Willem was getting weaker, and he looked pale and was lethargic. Initial labs showed a higher than expected white blood cell count. The next morning, my wife, Chris, took Willem to clinic to get new labs taken, just in case there was some mix-up, maybe there was an infection brewing, but there wasn’t a mix-up or infection – Willem’s counts had doubled and our worst fear was realized, the Leukemia was back, this time more aggressive than before. Within, one week after we discovered he had relapsed he died.
We loved Willem more than life itself. His smile would light up a room and bring sunshine into your heart. Everyone that met Willem, held Willem, or played with Willem is forever branded by his smile. One little boy, with one beautiful smile, changed hundreds of lives in eight months’ time and changed mine forever. I found strength that I didn’t realize I had. I didn’t know what love was until Willem showed me. Yes, he showed me – not with words, but with his eyes and his smile. I no longer fear death because I have felt it steal away my little boy, ripping out a huge chunk of my soul.
I will forever walk trying to fill Willem’s little shoes. Funny how I say little “shoes” as Willem never got to wear shoes, walk or even crawl? I will live the rest of my days taking care of my family, loving others, helping others and looking for signs that he is with me. Oh how I wish I could see a rainbow today…
Monday, January 14, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
What really is important?
What really is important? Is it having a great job? It is it having a healthy family? Is it living a long life and having enough money to live comfortably? What are we all complaining about? Who gives a crap about social security? Who gives a crap about health care? Obviously the government doesn't because they are driving the country into an enormous debt and spending all of our hard-earned money on protecting this country from a potential threat that may or may not kill american lives.
Well, I have news for you, the government is killing its own people. The government is not looking out for us. Health care costs are out of control and the coverage is getting worse and worse every year. Money that can be spent helping treat disease, or promoting research, is being spent fighting wars in other countries. Everyone supports the troops, but to what end? Supporting them until they get killed?
I've lost all confidence in our government. I laugh at both parties, the debates, their stupid politics, their stupid beliefs. Politicians don't believe in anything because they are afraid to say how they truly feel for fear of losing ground in the polls. Where do these polls come from anyhow? What really kills me is how our President doesn't believe in harvesting stem cells from embryos because it destroys human lives. These lives don't have a conscience yet, a brain, a heart. Our commander-in-chief says he is against this, but he somehow has the nerve to send our troops, someone's son or daughter into a war that never had a just reason to start. Where were the WMD's? Wasn't that why we went to war in the first place? Does everyone just want to forget that? He lied and people have died and are still dying. Thousand of Iraqis have died and continue to die. It just doesn't make sense. His pride and pig headedness are the reason we are still there. Does he really think we are that dumb?
My son died this past October from infant Leukemia – the reason he died is because the treatment has been pretty much the same for over thirty years. There have been tweaks to the protocol, but still no really drastic improvements. My son's chances were pathetic, less that 15% survival rate. My son, Willem, was only a baby, 8 months old, when he died. There is no money to be made in treating this type of cancer, Infant ALL; with all of the technological advances that are driven by potential profits, companies, for the most part, just don't care – it's capitalism baby! All about the bottom line.
It sickens me.
People in there extremely large and expensive vehicles sicken me. People in their half a million dollar houses sicken me. People who buy $10,000 TVs sicken me. People that pay for 200 channels of television sicken me. People that spend 300 dollars on a pair of sunglasses sicken me. Yes, I too like to have things. Sometimes I sicken myself when I fall in to the clutches of materialism – but come on now! Where do we draw the line between having a few things that we enjoy to having things we don't even realize we have anymore? Is it really necessary to give your fiancé a 2 carrot diamond ring? Will she not love you if you get her a 1 carrot diamond instead? If she won't then why in the hell marry her?
And… What is all this complaining about? I don't have this and I wish I had more money, blah blah blah. I used to complain all the time, actually I still do and hate when I catch myself bitching and moaning.
Another thought… Christmas really sucks! I think the world would be a better place if we abolished Christmas. Everyone says it is about Jesus and all that, but they don't practice what they preach. They don't help out those that are less fortunate. Hell, I'm guilty of this too. If one more person asks "how was my Christmas?" I will slug them. "Ok, Ted, get over it, Christmas was over 2 weeks ago." I don't know. I'm just sick of people's fascination with having stuff and having money. I wish there was no such thing – but then again I could never live off the land and hunt and gather my own food. I'm a big wuss. I wouldn't know where to start. I guess we need money to live, but at what price?
Capitalism is out of control. There is a product or service for everything. There are "pooper scooper" services for your dogs. I've even created ads (yes I'm guilty as charged, I'm in advertising) for a pet spa and hotel. They're freakin' animals. They drool all over the place, smell really bad, poop wherever, and are full of flees and pests. I love my cats, but I would never send them to a Kitty Hotel!
Well, I have news for you, the government is killing its own people. The government is not looking out for us. Health care costs are out of control and the coverage is getting worse and worse every year. Money that can be spent helping treat disease, or promoting research, is being spent fighting wars in other countries. Everyone supports the troops, but to what end? Supporting them until they get killed?
I've lost all confidence in our government. I laugh at both parties, the debates, their stupid politics, their stupid beliefs. Politicians don't believe in anything because they are afraid to say how they truly feel for fear of losing ground in the polls. Where do these polls come from anyhow? What really kills me is how our President doesn't believe in harvesting stem cells from embryos because it destroys human lives. These lives don't have a conscience yet, a brain, a heart. Our commander-in-chief says he is against this, but he somehow has the nerve to send our troops, someone's son or daughter into a war that never had a just reason to start. Where were the WMD's? Wasn't that why we went to war in the first place? Does everyone just want to forget that? He lied and people have died and are still dying. Thousand of Iraqis have died and continue to die. It just doesn't make sense. His pride and pig headedness are the reason we are still there. Does he really think we are that dumb?
My son died this past October from infant Leukemia – the reason he died is because the treatment has been pretty much the same for over thirty years. There have been tweaks to the protocol, but still no really drastic improvements. My son's chances were pathetic, less that 15% survival rate. My son, Willem, was only a baby, 8 months old, when he died. There is no money to be made in treating this type of cancer, Infant ALL; with all of the technological advances that are driven by potential profits, companies, for the most part, just don't care – it's capitalism baby! All about the bottom line.
It sickens me.
People in there extremely large and expensive vehicles sicken me. People in their half a million dollar houses sicken me. People who buy $10,000 TVs sicken me. People that pay for 200 channels of television sicken me. People that spend 300 dollars on a pair of sunglasses sicken me. Yes, I too like to have things. Sometimes I sicken myself when I fall in to the clutches of materialism – but come on now! Where do we draw the line between having a few things that we enjoy to having things we don't even realize we have anymore? Is it really necessary to give your fiancé a 2 carrot diamond ring? Will she not love you if you get her a 1 carrot diamond instead? If she won't then why in the hell marry her?
And… What is all this complaining about? I don't have this and I wish I had more money, blah blah blah. I used to complain all the time, actually I still do and hate when I catch myself bitching and moaning.
Another thought… Christmas really sucks! I think the world would be a better place if we abolished Christmas. Everyone says it is about Jesus and all that, but they don't practice what they preach. They don't help out those that are less fortunate. Hell, I'm guilty of this too. If one more person asks "how was my Christmas?" I will slug them. "Ok, Ted, get over it, Christmas was over 2 weeks ago." I don't know. I'm just sick of people's fascination with having stuff and having money. I wish there was no such thing – but then again I could never live off the land and hunt and gather my own food. I'm a big wuss. I wouldn't know where to start. I guess we need money to live, but at what price?
Capitalism is out of control. There is a product or service for everything. There are "pooper scooper" services for your dogs. I've even created ads (yes I'm guilty as charged, I'm in advertising) for a pet spa and hotel. They're freakin' animals. They drool all over the place, smell really bad, poop wherever, and are full of flees and pests. I love my cats, but I would never send them to a Kitty Hotel!
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